I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
you’re so productive for your wage
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”