*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
#Thanos #MondayMood
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO