*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
This was a bad idea all around
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively