waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Cake safety first. Always.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you