I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
never ask a starfish for directions
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.