Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You Might Also Like
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
love it when they get my name right
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”