Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I laughed at this way too hard.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking