brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.