My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
🤣🤣🤣
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst