I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.