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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.