[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You Might Also Like
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
im all 3
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.