A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”