riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Hey i am sexy to you now
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”