ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.