Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda