[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
favorite tropes as memes
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling