I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks