Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
can I use a minion as a tampon
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.