FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.