Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot