*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD