“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
LMAO
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.