The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Labreador
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.