If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered