*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: