Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon