*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix