Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Snapes on a plane.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
you stereotypes are all alike
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal