Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Just a phase…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.