I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.