Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way