ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent