I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.