Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Yup….perfect score!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.