My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
This is a whole mood;