Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.