I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.