My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”