Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
You Might Also Like
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”