Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Personal question. #JustSaying
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks