GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
You Might Also Like
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.