The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.