Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs