Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
This was my dad’s browser history.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Not today. 😅
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
hmmm
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time