Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
somebody come look at this
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW