[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
A classic…
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym