Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no