me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”