When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.